On losing yourself

When you have been a mom for a few months, a few things have very probably happened.

At a certain point you begin to think you got the hang of it (and in that precise moment your baby throws a curveball and starts doing the exact opposite).

Sweating like a PRO

You already know your child’s preferences – whether they enjoy stroller rides or they scream for their life because they want to look outside, ideally sitting down, but they are in this in-between phase where they can’t really do it yet but they so desperately want to. But it is -10 degrees and your baby is poorly dressed in a warm and cozy footmuff, so you can’t take the drama queen/king out of the stroller and you end up running home while sweating even in places where the sun doesn’t shine. (This might be based on a real story. From Sunday. 🙈)

No judgment

You might have always silently judged people that co-sleep with their kids. Like what is up with that? Babies belong to their own beds, right? But then you are sleep deprived like a prisoner in Guantanamo, and after 2 hours of rocking your baby on a fit ball at 3 am in the darkness of your living room, the place that was once reserved for joy, like watching a Netflix movie with a glass of wine or having friends over, you decide to finally invite the baby into your sheets to find out you have finally slept. You mentally apologise to all and refrain from any further ‘beliefs’ you might have had.

No hair

You used to have great style, glowing skin and shiny hair, but now half of it goes down the drain every time you shower, and in the morning, when you pass by the mirror, you get scared because you start to resemble Gollum. You become the master of active wear, and the hack of your lifetime are leggings with pockets, so you can always have your phone, your most prized connection to the outside world.

Baby stock market

About this real story from Sunday…you actually don’t remember which day it is. Sometimes the days drag on, repetitive, hard, full of life questions, but at the same time the months fly by and you are not even sure where they disappeared. All the baby’s clothes are suddenly small (you could swear they still fitted yesterday) and you need to bargain for another cute patterned Lindex body on Vinted, which turns out to be a commodity, like gold or Apple shares.

Koleda Koleda Štěpáne

And then suddenly…things get kinda easier. You know how and when to make your baby fall asleep (even though they might fight sleeping till the last second trying to lift their stone-heavy eyelids). You learn how to make them giggle, how to clean their nose when they least expect it and you can recite all 34 poems and songs from their favorite book. (And then recite them to yourself at 3 am while you should be sleeping. Why the hell aren’t you sleeping??) You even manage to cut their nails, although it is more dangerous than cutting nails of a stray cat that hasn’t eaten for 3 days. You don’t have a newborn anymore. You have a cute sidekick, someone who unintentionally destroys most of your plans but you have fun anyway.

No more Gollum

And then, at a certain, probably very random moment, you realize you could go back to some of your hobbies. You might think of work, how much you have missed and you might begin to worry you are gonna suck big time when you are finally back. Perhaps now would be a good time to finally start hitting the gym to get those abs back (just kidding, they were never really there) or fire up the big brain of yours again with a new language. You might book a facial and a hairdresser to get rid of the Gollum look once and for all, and you even manage to drink a glass of wine with your girlfriends. (Yet you still spend every second of each tram ride looking at the baby’s pictures. Fellow parents – why do we do that??) Life starts to feel somewhat similar to before, yet… it won’t ever be the same, will it? Cause before, the person you loved the most was only yourself. Now there is another one of you, an improved version 2.0 and this new model occupies much of your thoughts.

So who are you?

Someone from before with a new layer on the top?

Or someone new completely?

As Brandon Sanderson says – Journey before destination. Let’s figure it out!

Marketa On losing yourself

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *